


The Mess That I Am

by Moonscar



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Crying, Fluff, Hurt Peter Parker, Identity Reveal, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker-centric, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Precious Peter Parker, Self-Hatred, Wishful Thinking, angst & fluff, ish?, revealed identity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-27
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-10-17 20:42:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17567624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonscar/pseuds/Moonscar
Summary: Peter wanted to so badly rip his mask off, but it's like his arm was paralyzed by the fear, the limb refusing to reveal his identity to so many people after he had kept it hidden for so long.Peter stared ahead at everyone in front of him, all the Avengers looking at him with an expectant gaze.The group of people he had wanted to join ever since he was a kid, even before he got his powers.





	The Mess That I Am

Peter wanted to so badly rip his mask off, but it's like his arm was paralyzed by the fear, the limb refusing to reveal his identity to so many people after he had kept it hidden for so long.

Peter stared ahead at everyone in front of him, all the Avengers looking at him with an expectant gaze.

The group of people he had wanted to join ever since he was a kid, even before he got his powers. 

As a kid he was naive though, he hadn't understood the baggage it was to have powers, to stand up for the little guys and always take time out of the day to save people, kids, elders and even the people that have wronged him.

He didn't understand it at the time.

Now he does.

And he doesn't regret his choice one bit, because now he gets to make sure that people get to come back to their families.

That less people lose loved ones because of him.

It's a hard job, but he loves it to death.

Now though, as he looks ahead at everyone staring holes into his suit, he isn't sure of his choice anymore.

Spider-Man was supposed to be confident and sassy, never feeling or showing fear.

Peter felt like the complete opposite of that right now, even with his suit on.

"Kid, you really don't have to do this, you can back out if you want" Tony suggested, giving him a way out of this mess, giving him the means to escape from revealing his most prized secret .

But Peter wasn't gonna turn away now.

He had never had something like this before, he had wanted it for so long and now that he had it he didn't know to do. He knew that if he revealed himself, they wouldn't use his identity against him, wouldn't reveal it to the world even if something were to happen between them all.

They were better than that, and Peter knew he could have confidence in them with this.

The thing is that he had never had this kind of thing before in his life, and now that he had it, he didn't know how to proceed.

_He was scared_.

He was scared that once he revealed himself, all the good parts that they saw in him would fade away, the good parts of Spider-Man that they had confidence in, that they believed in. That all of that good Spider-Man did would be stifled by Peter Parker himself, by his clumsy and tardy behavior, by the fear sometimes shown in his expression, or his anxiety or sweaty palms.

How everything would be washed away the moment they got to know him, the real him.

The person that was behind the mask.

He can see the ideal life in front of him, the life where all the Avengers still care for him even once they get to know him, still have faith in him when they learn how young he truly is.

He can have that life if he wants to, he's almost there, he can reach it. All he needs to do is take off his mask and maybe, just maybe everything will be okay.

He feels like he needs to explain him. Explain why he is hesitating and why he feels like the hope and confidence they have in him is to much, how that will change the moment they see what's behind the mask. 

He knows, he knows that he might be overreacting.

Or maybe that's him wanting to believe it's true, wanting to believe that they really will accept the train wreck of a person he is with open arms, accept that he's a nerd who's actually really good in science, someone who has a lot of trouble talking to new people without a mask and can;t get through public speaking with a dozen stutters.

He could possibly make it through.

If he could just wipe away his sweaty palms and rip off his mask.

It'd only take a second.

But one second is all it takes to change his life forever. 

He doesn't want to let it go, let go what he has with them now. He doesn't want to because even though it's not what they all want, it's close enough. They would let him keep his identity a secret if he truly wished for it.

He doesn't have to let go of this life, but with all of their stares boring into him into doesn't feel that way.

Peter clenched his fist.

Peter wants keep the things the way they are because when he has his mask on, he can pretend that he is something better. Something better than everything that is under the suit.

Something better than the _mess_ that he is.

He can pretend that he is something better than these broken parts all scattered around in his heart, pieces that will never be able to meld back together perfectly. Peter can pretend that he isn't just a kid who's got PTSD because of the things he's witnessed. He can pretend that he isn't a disappointment to everyone around him and that he doesn't disappoint the people he cares for just a little bit every day, either it be from him not arriving on time, not showing up at all, him not doing his homework or him not being able to bring enough money for rent every month, even though he knows that Aunt May doesn't want that responsibility put on him yet.

With his suit and mask, he can pretend.

Pretend that's he is someone better.

With his mask on no one needs to look under it all. They can just look at this person who's witty and crazy strong, someone who fights crime and someone who's defeated the Vulture and someone who fought on Team Iron Man during the Civil War. 

No one gets to look at it.

No one gets to look at what's under it all.

Because that way they never get to see the worst of him.

If he rips of his mask, they'll all see it, they'll be able to see the worst of him.

They might not like what they see, because Peter certainly doesn't.

He doesn't want them to see what Peter see's in himself, to see the mess that he is.

Because he wants them to like what they see in him, like the person that he truly is.

Peter lifted his hand up and ripped his mask in one quick motion, tears streaming down his face as he looked at everyone in the room.

He grinned at them all.

"I'm Peter Parker"

**Author's Note:**

> This is obviously heavily inspired by Dear Evan Hansen Words Fail
> 
> I like this one a lot better than the other one I just posted-
> 
> Please leave a comment! I love replying to them and reading them! =D


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